I was in LA doing a commercial for AGF, a French Insurance Company. They blew up cars. Blew them UP. I mean EXPLODED the suckers. It was awesome. Like a bunch of 5 year olds we waited HOURS in the 105 degree heat of Valencia CA to see them blow up a couple of cars. But MAN was it worth it. One did like a twist and jumped back like 15 feet. The other rose about 20 feet in the air flipped over and landed on the roof...spectacular. Anywho, I've been a bit out of the loop lately. What's the poop? Any word from Canty or Gray or Burnette? They think they are so cool with all the "We know the schedule and you don't." Stuff and "We know the judges and you don't..." blah. Whatever, you know the judges and you know the schedule and that's fine. I'd rather not know anyway. Let's talk about something else...what though? Uh...well, we could ...I don't know talk about Television. OK, yeah, great idea. You know what I think are some of the best shows on TV? I like a nice family story, maybe animated, about a family that's not black or white, who knows, maybe they're sepia or yellow, whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is that a show like let's say....I don't know...The Simpsons, for example, could be any show really. Now, if you were to let's say helm a legendary TV show like The Simpsons, you would have to be smart, funny and I bet extraordinarily attractive. I have enjoyed the Simpsons so much over the years, I would be willing to offer cold hard cash to the people who write and produce it. I mean it, COLD HARD CASH. Dinero. Drachma, Pesos (No Offense to You Charlene) to the creatives on that show. Not to try and influence them in any way mind you. Simply to say THANK YOU, for all you have done for me, my family, this country and mankind as a whole. Speaking of mankind, I had a couple of friends a few years back book a TV Series. It was weird. Two guys I knew, from here in NY booked the same show. I auditioned for that show and thought this is the funniest show I have ever read and it will fail. Fail, because America is simply not smart enough to understand the BRILLIANCE, that is this script. It was so good and the words so everlasting, that the name escapes me...I wanna say "A Rented Desellarant" or "A Red Tent Deodorant" damn this is gonna bug me. Why can't I think of it...wait....I got it..."A Rested Dean Elephant?!?!" No. Well, in any case, the man who created that show, frankly deserves a nice big cookie of some kind, maybe a Linser Tart from Zaro's? I don't want to assume to know what kind of cookies, but if that information ever got to me, say via a comment on this blog, (Silly, how would the powerful and dashing creator of a TV landmark series such as the one with Will Arnett and Tony Hale even know about my blog) I can assure you I would buy a whole box of WHATEVER COOKIES THIS MAN WANTS. Again, not for influence, but for thanks. Other shows I've thought were the BEST EVER - "Complete Savages" "The Pitts" and I really like the writing on "Golden Girls" around 91, 92. Anyways, I'm gonna be up so if you guys hear anything about Timeslots or Judges or stuff, lemme know, ok? Cool. -- Joe PS: Skylar, my 3 legged cat, is sitting in the dryer and he won't come out. Adorable.

so i am going to blog again for 2 reasons. 1. Joe is in L.A. - working. so he can't blog. so i'm doing it for the team i guess. GO TEAM (?). 2. i just e-mailed my 8 high school friends (no, i didn't have exactly 8 friends in high school. just 8 of them seem to be my some of my mostest and closest .) (umm..feel free to us that slogan again.) and told them to check out the the live spaces page...and well...i guess i just want to entertain them. they deserve it. i mean c'mon. they still like me. and call me. and support me. after all of these years. (unless they are all talking behind my back. now THAT would be funny.) the sick truth is they all just want me to know famous people. so then they can say..."my friend mary...yes...you KNOW MARY...my BEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT friend from high school....yes..well..she said...and she KNOWS that Matt Damon is REEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLY nice. and she woud know because he just did a guest stint on her HIT tv show. and guess what...he LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEES the RED SAWX. just like us! i mean...i don't know....but supposedly he may be coming to our high school reunion. cause Tim wil be away on business. and THAT's HOW CLOSE Matt and Mar are. isn't that the best? i'll get a picture if it happens. oh wait...she just texted me! hold on...she probably has some HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP..." girls...don't ever say i didn't mention you. joe. your turn.

4:00am and here I sit. In the basement. Alone. Alone with my 3 legged cat, Skylar. Yup, here we are, waiting for the festival and there go Gray, Canty and Burnette, laughing it up. "We know the schedule and you don't." I bet they love having it all over us. Don't get me wrong, I would abuse my power if I were them too. But, my cat has 3 legs. Hasn't HE suffered enough? Would it kill them to bang Skylar a quick e:mail saying, "Skylar, dude, here's the schedule. Oh and you've been through enough, what with the losing a leg and all, we're declaring STD the winner, here's your check. Make sure that stooge owner of yours is at HBO bright and early Monday. Oh and make sure he brings Mary and Bruce. He can't find his butt with two hands without them. Let's do drinks, one night next week." OK, I am not being totally honest. Skylar hasn't suffered at all. At least not since the leg came off. Before that, it's unclear who suffered more, him or me, as the vet bills ran upwards of $10,000. But he's a good boy, Skylar. What's that? Where did we come up with such a coooool name? Glad you asked. The name Skylar comes from the Odd Couple. Season 1, Episode 21. "A Taste of Money" Actually the character of Skylar NEVER physically appeared on the show. Felix and Oscar had a little boy neighbor Phillip, who found a bag full of money. Felix convinces Oscar it must go back. As the boys come to find the bag had stolen bank money and the perp (That's cop Lingo) was a dishonest bank teller named Skylar, they try and talk the boy into admitting where he got the $$$ and why it should go back. They tell the boy, "We know it's not your money. It was a teller named Skylar." He says, "They got Skylar." Oscar screams "You don't know anybody named Skylar." Genius.

I'm up again...great. You know, this is really inconvenient, and probably unhealthy. Anywho, I read the A/V club's Blog. That's awesome you guys are from Spelling Bee. A little weird coincidence, Jay Reiss, who played your Vice Principal and I guess helped write the C-R-E-P-U-S-C-U-L-E version and the words and such (wow, what a ridiculous run on sentence) is an old friend of mine. He and I were in a Sketch Group together for years, years ago. The group was called After Hours, which is appropos considering it's 3:00 in the morning. In those days, Jay's pen name was Jaymond M. Reisshat(t) Optional t. Another A/V coincidence, though not nearly as obscure...I am also from Brooklyn. Mary's from Rhode Island. But we live about 10 miles apart in Jersey. Charlie our Editor lives near us too, though he's from Long Island. And Bruce our director lives in CT but he's so often in LA...ah this is boring even me. Once I finished the Jay thing, I should have just signed off. BTW: I tried the reading, the Lucky Charms and the begging the wife and all failed again...I guess I'll just sit here and....OH I REMEMBER WHY I BROUGHT UP Where we live. Split the Difference, or S the D, as the cool kids are calling it, was shot entirely in New York City. Our thing says South Orange, NJ and while one of us lives there, and it's quite lovely, we don't want to begin this relationship on a lie. After all a Festival based on lies is Sundance. ;-) Inside Note: Mary you are a fine blogger. Don't sell yourself short. OK, See you tomorrow night.

joe is. he's going to probably "blog" every hour of every day from here until the festival. that's just him. and that's what makes us good business partners i guess. he does all the schmoozing and talking and i sit back and tell him that although he was very very funny...he spelled some names wrong... ex: razzi is spelled rassi. ali farnakian is spelled ali farahnakian So we are sorry for the misspellings. i mean...i'd correct them right now if i knew how to use a computer. but i'm just not good at it. i'm just not. okay okay. so we are THRILLED to be in the New York Television Festival. i love everything the festival stands for!!! looking very forward to meeting everyone...-mary

So here we are more than 2 weeks from the festival and already, I can't sleep. It is NOT August 23rd at 11:16pm, By The Way. Apparently, these "live pages" are on West Coast time. Which I guess makes sense, since Microsoft is in Redmond, Washington. Did you know Bill Gates is building, or built...I think it's done...I can't remember...I guess it doesn't really matter...Anyway, Bill Gates is building a $50,000,000 home. That's right, you read that right Fifty Million. Yeesh. But to him that's money he finds in the sofa cushions. But to me that's like building a $50 house. I think that's comparable. Ah, maybe not. The point is, to a guy with $45 Billion, $50 Million ain't squat. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. I can't sleep. I've tried everything. I read "The Bad Guys Won" about, Your New York Mets and the 1986 World Championship Team. I bothered my lovely wife for sex and was summarily denied. I ate some Lucky Charms. Nothing. This stinks. Well, any case if you need me, I'll be here. Just waiting for the festival to begin and not sleeping. Thank you VERY much Mr. Terrence Gray. You, too Canty. And don't think I forgot you, Burnette. Thank you all, VERY, VERY much.

OK, again, sorry.  Kidding. 

Really, the festival should be fun…for us. And you all may be able to enjoy yourselves too, if you just remember there are no winners and losers, just those of us who get development deals and the rest of you.  So, better luck  next year losers.

The STD Team

 OK, ok, you had your fun, now erase.  …wait, it’s not doing anything…I can’t… come one…Just erase….damn it, my backspace is not  working.  DAMN IT!!!  Now they think we’re idiots.  The judges won’t see this will they?  Nah…no way…I mean,  even if they did, they would be able to tell by this hack last paragraph, that this was a joke right?

I mean, they’d have to know, right?   

Anywho, we would like to say, the other participants are very attractive and well groomed and any previous mention of shame, etc., was purely for entertainment purposes and is…come on…backspace key…oh forget it.